209. Then methought I should see as if both _Peter_ and _Paul_, and _John_, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they had said unto me, _All our words are truth_, _one of as much force as another_: _it is not we that have cut you of_, _but you have cast away yourself_. _There is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon_, _but these and such as these_; _it is impossible_, Heb. vi.; _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, Heb. x. _And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God_, _than after they had known it_, _to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them_, 2 Peter ii. 21. _For the Scriptures cannot be broken_. John x. 35.
210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the _avenger_ of blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for ever. Joshua xx. 3. 4.
211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be satisfied in this question, _Whether the scriptures could agree in the salvation of my soul_? I quaked at the apostles; I knew their words were true, and that they must stand for ever.
212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, and considering that these frames were according to the nature of several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet; but of that of _Esau_, then tormented. Lord, thought I, _if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at once_, _I wonder which of them would get the better of me_. So methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.
213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me for a while; at last that about _Esau’s_ birthright began to wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, _Mercy rejoiceth against judgment_. James ii. 13.
214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to the word of life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory. 2 Cor. iii. 8–11. _Mark_ ix. 5–7. _John_ vi. 37. Also that _Moses_ and _Elias_ must both vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.
215. This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; _And him that cometh to Me_, _I will in no wise cast out_. Oh! the comfort that I had from this word, _in no wise_! As who should say, _By no means_, _for nothing whatever he hath done_. But Satan would greatly labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, _That Christ did not mean me and such as I_, _but sinners of a lower rank_, _that had not done as I had done_. But I would answer him again, _Satan_, _here is in these words no such exception_; _but him that comes_, _him_, _any him_: _him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out_. And this I well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this question, _But do you come aright_? And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make! It was for this in _John_, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled; but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some sweetness from it.