In the preceeding week, I enjoyed some comfortable seasons of meditation. One morning the cause of God appeared exceeding precious to me: I saw also, that God has an infinitely greater concern for it, than I could possibly have; that if I have any true love to this blessed interest, it is only a drop derived from that ocean. Hence I was ready to “lift up my head with joy;” and conclude, “Well, if God’s cause be so dear and precious to him, he will promote it.”
[He was advised by physicians still to continue riding as what would tend to prolong his life. He was at a loss for some time which way to bend his course; but finally determined to ride to Boston; we having concluded that one of this family should go with him and be helpful to him in his low state.]
Tuesday, June 9. I set out on a journey from Northampton to Boston.
Having now continued to ride for some considerable time, I felt myself much better, and I found that in proportion to the prospect I had of being restored to a state of usefulness, I desired the continuance of life: but death appeared inconceivably more desirable to me, than a useless life; yet blessed be God, I found my heart fully resigned to this greatest of afflictions, if God saw fit thus to deal with me.
Friday, ♦June 12. I arrived in Boston this day, somewhat fatigued with my journey. There is no rest but in God; fatigues of body, and anxieties of mind, attend us, both in town and country.
♦ “July” replaced with “June”
On Thursday, June 18. I was taken exceeding ill, and brought to the gates of death, by the breaking of some small ulcers in my lungs, as my physician supposed. In this weak state I continued several weeks, and was frequently so low, as to be utterly speechless; and even after I had so far revived as to step out of doors, I was exercised every day with a faint turn, which continued usually four or five hours; at which times, though I could say _Yes_ or _No_, yet I could not speak one sentence, without making stops for breath; and divers times in this season, my friends gathered round my bed to see me breathe my last.
How I was, the first day or two of my illness, with regard to the exercise of reason, I scarcely know; but the third day, and constantly afterwards, for four or five weeks together, I enjoyed as much serenity of mind, and clearness of thought, as perhaps I ever did in my life. And I think my mind never penetrated with so much ease and freedom into divine things, and I never felt so capable of demonstrating the truth of many important doctrines of the gospel as now.
As God was pleased to afford me clearness of thought almost continually, for several weeks together; so he enabled me in some measure, to employ my time to valuable purposes. I was enabled to write a number of important _letters_, to friends in remote places; and sometimes I wrote I was speechless, _i. e._ unable to maintain conversation with any body.――*Besides this I had many visitants; with whom when I was able to speak, I always conversed of the things of religion: and was peculiarly assisted in distinguishing between _true_ and _false_ religion. And especially I discoursed repeatedly on the nature and necessity of that _humiliation_, _self-emptiness_, or full conviction of a person’s being utterly undone in himself, which is necessary in order to a saving faith, and the extreme difficulty of being brought to this, and the great danger there is of persons taking up with some _self-righteous appearances_ of it. The _danger_ of this I especially dwelt upon, being persuaded that multitudes perish in this hidden way; because so little is said from most pulpits to discover any danger here: so that persons being never effectually brought to die to themselves, are never truly united to Christ. I also discoursed much on what I take to be the essence of true religion, that God-like temper and disposition of soul, and that holy conversation and behaviour, that may justly claim the honour of having God for its original pattern. And I have reason to hope God blessed my discoursing to some, both ministers and people; so that my time was not wholly lost.
[Also the honourable Commissioners in Boston, of the incorporated society in London for ♦propagating the gospel in New-England, and parts adjacent, having a legacy of the late Dr. Daniel Williams of London, for the support of _two missionaries_ to the Heathen, were pleased, while he was at Boston, to consult him about a mission to those Indians called the _Six Nations_; and were so satisfied with his sentiments on this head, and had that confidence in his faithfulness, and judgment, that they desired him to recommend a couple of persons fit to be employed in this business.
♦ “propogating” replaced with “propagating”