Saturday 27. I was in a very cold dead frame all the day, and when I retired to prayer in the evening, I found no life, but still I had the blessing of waiting upon God, and an earnest desire and panting in my soul for faith, tho’ I could not utter a word. Lord, let me never rest till I get this pearl of great price into my possession; then shall I be truly happy, and not till then.
Sunday, May 5. My uncle met the society, and informed them of his being to leave them soon. The sorrow that sat on every countenance would have drawn tears from any ones eyes, who could in the least sympathize with another’s grief. O Lord what is man! How various, how unforeseen, often are the changes of this short life! Lord, prepare me for whatever thou hast in thy wisdom prepared for me.
Monday 6. We were in a great hurry in packing up all the day, and at night sat up till twelve o’clock. Having a violent cold, I was quite disordered all the next day, so as not to be able to read or pray, or do any thing else as I would. O how does this corruptible body press down the soul! But when it shall escape from this prison of clay, and wing its way to the mansions of eternal joy; how will it exult in the glorious change, and rejoice in being delivered from this dungeon which has so long clogged it with its manifold infirmities!
Thursday 9. In the afternoon we went with Mr. and Mrs. W――――h to the old castle on the top of the hill, where it seems Lady _Catherine Parr_, the last wife of King Henry the VIII. was born. Indeed it is a venerable ruin, and strongly shews what all worldly grandeur must come to. O that I and all that are near and dear to me, may never desire such fading transitory enjoyments! But may we seek for and obtain a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.
“_Jerusalem_, the saint’s abode, Whose founder is the living God.”
Monday 13. I bless God, I found my soul in a very serious frame this day, having a measure of the spirit of prayer. O may it always continue! *In the afternoon we took a walk to the mount, which was thrown up to batter down the old castle on the top of the hill. It was delightfully pleasant to see all the green fields and the little lonely houses that stand there. I could have liked to stay there all the afternoon, the weather was so calm and serene, and all nature seemed lively and sprightly. O was my soul but illuminated by the Sun of Righteousness as this earth is by the material sun! How happy, how unspeakably happy, would it be in the possession of such a blessing!
“If this felicity were mine, I every other would resign, With just and holy scorn: Chearful and blithe my way pursue, And with the promised land in view, Singing to God return.”
Tuesday 14. I found my soul in a serious frame all the day long, blessed be God who kept me so.
Thursday 16. I found my soul alive. My uncle’s text was _God is love_. _1 John xvi. 4._
Friday 17. I still continued in some measure blest. Lord increase the spark and let it grow into a flame!
Saturday 18. I was much tempted to levity, which I gave way to. But while Mr. C――――k was preaching in the evening from these words, _O Israel thou hast destroyed thyself: but in me is thine help_. Hosea xiii. 9. My soul was much refreshed, and afterwards I was enabled to watch against every thing that might deprive me of it, so that I lay down, and rose with it again the next morning, all thanks be ascribed to God, for had I been left to myself, I should undoubtedly have lost it immediately.
Sunday 19. I awoke in the same watchful spirit, and an eager desire for faith, which I was enabled to pray for with great earnestness.
Monday 20. I yielded so much to levity, that it was with difficulty I forced myself to duty, and when I did, I was quite cold and dead, and my thoughts were wandering on some foolish thing or other. O God deliver me from a trifling spirit.
Tuesday 21. I found myself thoughtful and serious in the morning, but in the afternoon I was overcome by levity. O how soon am I drawn off what is good? But how difficult do I find it to prevail with myself to forsake the evil? For often when the Lord shews me the error of my ways, though for the present I feel sorrow and regret, yet the next temptation that offers finds me ready to comply with it; and this doubtless I should always do, did not God in that moment step in and hinder me by his restraining grace; such a propensity have I to do that which grieves my God and wounds my own conscience.
Saturday 25. In the evening I retired, and entering into a strict self-examination, I found I must own with the royal Psalmist, _my inward parts are very wickedness_. I saw clearly that I had broken every commandment, therefore were I to be tried by the law of works I must eternally perish. I must come with the _Publican_, crying, God _be merciful to me a sinner_. How truly might I say,
“No good word, or work, or thought, Have I to buy thy grace, Mercy I accept unbought, Thy profer I embrace.”