Monday 21. I arose this morning with an earnest desire, and a determination by the grace of God to give myself up to him. O may I never, never rest, till I fully rest in him.
Tuesday 22. My soul was in a serious frame, but in the evening I gave so much way to an inordinate desire after a foolish thing, that my mind was quite drawn off from God. When I went to bed, I was greatly humbled, and ashamed on account of it, and I trust I shall never so yield again to the enemy of my soul.
Wednesday 30. I was in a very indifferent state all the day, but in the evening in class-meeting I was much quickened, and stirred up by a young person’s giving an account, how she found peace the day before in private prayer. I was, and am still determined by the grace of God never to rest till I also find him whom my soul desires to love. My soul continued much blest all the evening, and I dropt asleep with earnest desires to be brought into that glorious liberty of the sons of God. Dearest Jesus, how long will it be before thou wilt manifest thyself to me, as thou dost not unto the world? O come and take up thine abode in my longing heart, and live and reign in me without a rival.
Thursday 31. My soul was greatly blest all this day, and my heart much drawn out after God. I also found enlargement in praying for faith. O thou Son of God, do thou now impart to me this great and inestimable blessing, and make me truly happy in thy love. Do thou now arise upon my poor soul with healing in thy wings, and keep me continually.
Friday, November 1. I still continued in a comfortable frame, finding a great hunger and thirst for faith. I could truly say from heart-felt experience,
“Thou hast pronounced the mourner blest, And lo for thee I ever mourn: I cannot, no I will not rest, Till thou my only rest return: Till thou the Prince of peace appear, And I receive the Comforter.”
Saturday 2. I found my soul in a very watchful frame, from a great concern I felt upon my conscience for sin, and the fear I had of falling into a careless lukewarm spirit again. Lord do thou always let me retain,
“A spirit still prepared, And armed with jealous fear, For ever standing on its guard, And watching unto prayer.”
Monday 4. I was overcome in some measure by levity, but the gracious God gave me to feel much remorse for it, and also encouraged me to trust that he who had shewed me the evils of this, and all other sins, would pardon them.
Saturday 9. My soul was not so lively to-day, as it was some days ago. When I retired to prayer, I felt a great backwardness to it, which was heightened by a consideration of my own unfaithfulness to God. But the thought was immediately checked by this, if I am unfaithful, will my keeping from him make me more faithful? No surely: it is the Lord alone that can impart the blessing of a faithful heart; then I will wait upon him for it, and he has promised, _Those that ask shall receive_.
Monday 18. I was in a serious praying frame. In the evening Mr. _M――――_ preached on _John ix. 25_. My soul was exceedingly blest, and I seemed just ready to lay hold on the blessing. How I lost it, I am not sensible.
Sunday 24. Mr. _M――――e_ preached in the morning on, _Do all to the glory of God_. When I came home and retired, I found some liberty in prayer. O how good is God to me, and how undeserving, how unfaithful a creature am I? Lord pardon the past, and give me strength for the time to come.
Tuesday, December 3, and Wednesday 4. I was rather in a cold frame. O that the Lord would deliver me from a lukewarm spirit! For I find _that_ an inlet to all wrong tempers, and therefore it must be hurtful to me, and displeasing to God.
Saturday 7. I was much cast down on account of having yielded to many wrong tempers the day before. In the evening, I went to preaching without the least expectation of a blessing; however as I was under the word, bemoaning my helpless condition, the Lord in a measure comforted and encouraged me to trust in him. Indeed I am often pained that my pain is over so soon, and grieved that I can grieve no more!
Sunday 8. In the morning Mr. _M――――_ preached on _Romans i. 17_. _For the just shall live by faith._ My thoughts were wandering under the word, and when I came home and retired, I found no life nor liberty in prayer. O when shall I be enabled to come with boldness to the throne of grace through _Jesus_ the Mediator of the new covenant, and to call him, _my Lord and my God_.
Thursday 12. My uncle’s text was _Proverbs xxiii. 23_. During the first part, my mind was pretty much stayed, but towards the latter end it was much drawn off by a thing which probably may never happen. O for a stayed, and composed mind in waiting upon God! Surely it is a great sin to have the mind wandering upon foolish things, when so immediately in the presence of God.