Friday 17. This day being Good-Friday, we went to the sacrament at the Cathedral, but in no means whether public or private, was my soul blest, tho’ I found great attention to the sermon preached by Mr. _G――――d_ in the evening, upon the words with which our once dying, tho’ now ever living Saviour closed his suffering, painful life! _It is finished._ John xix. 30. Amazing truth!
“’Twere bold to think it true, If not far bolder still to disbelieve.”
That the author and possessor of life eternal, should himself become a prey to death! And for whom? For angels? No, when they left their first and blest estate, it was irretrievably lost. For his friends? No, but for enemies, for rebels, for vile apostates, for ungrateful sinners! Well might the apostle cry out, “O the length and breadth, the depth and height of this stupendous love!” This day was the sad anniversary on which I parted from the tenderest, best of parents, and took a long, if not a last farewel of my native land; whether I shall ever see that, or my dearest parents more, the Lord knoweth.
“But O may we all meet on that peaceful shore, Where pain, and death, and parting are no more!”
Sunday, May 3. For this fortnight my soul has been in general in a lifeless, inactive frame; and I have found little blessing in any means, except private prayer; in this I have been frequently quickened and refreshed.
Sunday 24. Blessed be God, I found my soul refreshed in private prayer this day, but I had hard work in the evening to keep my mind stayed on God, and attentive to the sermon.
Tuesday 26. My soul was very cold and dead all day, but at the class meeting, I found my desires greatly quickened; especially during the last prayer. This lasted all the evening; O may it still continue. Lord, let not my foolish heart rob me of the blessing.
Sunday, June 7. I went to the sacrament this morning at the _Cathedral_, but found no particular blessing, tho’ my heart was afterwards refreshed, while waiting upon God in private duties.
Sunday 14. My soul was much blest in private prayer this morning, but the rest of the day I was so weighed down with drowsiness that I could scarce read or pray with any satisfaction: however, my mind was in a serious frame most of the day.
Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament at _Werburgh_’s church, and found my heart affected with a lively sense of God’s love to my soul in sending his Son to die for me. O that this his love might stir me up to love him again, for altho’ he is in himself altogether lovely, yet nothing but a deep heart-felt conviction that Jesus loved me, and gave himself for me, can induce us to love him again. But ah! I cannot, cannot love.
“This is my shame, my grief, my hell, I do not love the bleeding Lamb; The Lamb that loved my soul so well, This is my grief, my hell, my shame.”
Sunday 28. In private prayer this morning my soul was greatly blest, and I found sweet enlargement in praying for the blessing, both for myself, and for my dearest parents; likewise I found liberty to pray for all my relations and friends, for the church, and for all the world. Blessed be the Lord for this undeserved mercy. In the evening I was stirred up by Mr. _G――――s_ discourse from _Hebrews ii. 3_. _How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation?_ Lord, how shall I escape? Only by flying to the wounds of Jesus; that is the only city of refuge. O may I escape thither, as _Lot_ did to _Zoar_, e’er the storm of divine vengeance be poured on this guilty head.
*Monday, July 6. My mind was much distressed this day by that fear which love alone casts out, (the fear of death.) What particularly brought me to reflect upon it at this time, was a dream which Mrs. _L――――r_ had had concerning me; at first I prayed earnestly that the Lord would spare my life, being excessively frightened at the thought of dying: but afterwards I began to consider, what if my request should be granted in wrath, ♦as when the _Israelites_ prayed for meat? What would become of me then? Perhaps the Lord sees, if I live I shall dishonour him; be a scandal to my profession; a reproach to the people among whom I am; and a grief to my parents. Now if the Lord should take me from the evil to come, should prevent me from doing, as well as suffering evil, by taking me to himself, what cause of complaint should I have? Surely none, nay it would be matter of rejoicing to all eternity: besides should none of these things happen, but were I sure of gliding thro’ this world easily and pleasantly; would it not ♠be better to reach the destined haven, without putting to sea at all; or at least with a very short, and as yet a pleasant passage! Did any ever think it was too soon to go to heaven? Surely no. No such complaints were ever made by one soul that got thither at all. But alas! I am unwilling to part with life, because I know not where I shall go. O!
“Who can tell me if this strife, In heaven or hell shall end?”
♦ “as” replaced with “as when” per Errata