Sunday 29. In the morning Mr. _R――――_’s text was in _Romans viii. 32_. _He that spared not his own son_, &c. O these encouraging, these heart reviving words! Why, O my soul art thou so backward to believe the promises of God? Surely he is not a man, that can deceive thee. O then believe the record true. Then, and not till then, shalt thou experience real happiness.
Monday, July 7. All this week my soul has been cold and dead, and I (to my shame and grief) have been too negligent in private duties. How truly may it be said the way of sin is down hill? I was hindered from prayer one day at my usual hour, and almost every day afterwards, something happened just at that time to keep me from that duty. I observe that if I neglect it one day, I am sure to do the same for several days running. Lord, help me to be watchful, seeing my subtle adversary is ever watching to betray me into sin, either of omission or commission.
Sunday 13. I found a small degree of life in private prayer, which was the only duty I was quickened in this day. Lord help me out of this stupid state! On Thursday evening my uncle preached on _Matthew xiii. 46_. _Who when he had found one pearl of great price_, &c. O that the Lord would enable me instantly to part with all, and purchase this pearl! All this week my soul has been in the same lukewarm state, and yet generally quickened in private prayer, especially one evening I had such a discovery of the love of God to sinners, that I was almost enabled to believe he died for me.
Sunday 20. This morning Mr. _M――――_ gave us a sweet discourse on _2 Peter i. 4_. _Whereby are given unto us exceeding great promises_, &c. I found my soul blest under it, and afterwards at the sacrament in St. _John_’s church, blessed be God.
Monday 21. I was too neglectful of private duty this day, and therefore ’tis no wonder if my soul was dry and barren in other duties. While we were at preaching in the evening, my dear friend Miss _D――――_ arrived from _Ireland_. I was much rejoiced to see her, and she seemed to be so at seeing me. May we all at last meet round our Father’s throne!
Friday 25. In the afternoon we walked to _Crislington_; and went to see the rector’s garden, who is for ever altering it. After being at great expence to have it done to his mind, still it does not please him. O how restless is the mind of man! Ever seeking after rest, he cannot find it nigh, nor ever will, till he finds it in Jesus.
Friday, August 1. The state of my soul this week has been much as usual. O that the Lord would stir me up! That he would make me in earnest, and then I should soon attain the prize. I shall one day perish by the hand of sin, unless a miracle of mercy interpose. Lord, save or I perish! Save, or I must inevitably fall a prey to the evil that lies in this rebellious heart.
Sunday 3. I found myself much encouraged while Mr. _G――――k_ was describing the rest that remained to those who were seekers after God, that I might include myself in that number; but I sometimes fear, even this appellation does not belong to me. Lord, suffer me not to deceive myself for thy mercy’s sake.
Tuesday 5. My poor heart still continued dead; no life, no power in drawing near to God. Still my soul is as a barren wilderness. Lord, water me with the dew of thy grace, then the wilderness will become a fruitful land, and the desert, springs of water.
Sunday 17. In retirement, both before and after preaching, I found my soul greatly led out to pray for faith, for myself, and my dear parents, and a measure of confidence, that God would hear my prayer: but alas for me, in the afternoon levity again prevailed, and I lost both the confidence, and power to pray for it.
Sunday 17. Mr. _M――――r_ preached on _Acts xxiv. 16_. _Herein I exercise myself, to have a conscience void of offence towards God, and towards man._ On his mentioning his going away, I could not forbear bursting into tears; I am sure all the people (would they speak the truth impartially) must acknowledge he has exercised himself to have a conscience void of offence.
*Wednesday 20. In the evening Mr. _M――――r_ gave us a sweet discourse, on _Colossians iii. 11_. _But Christ is all, and in all._ My concern at parting with him, stole away all the benefit I might have reaped from the sermon. Alas! that I should be so foolish as to look more to the servant than to his Lord, and think because he is going away, I shall never more be blest under preaching; as if God could not bless me, as well by one as another. Lord, I beseech thee, to forgive this sin.
Thursday 21. This morning I arose to hear Mr. _M――――s_ last discourse, which was very affecting, and drew tears from many eyes. I found much cause for lamentation, that I had not profited more by him, and a determined resolution to set out afresh in the strength of divine grace, that I may not have the same complaint to make, when we part with the next. Lord, strengthen this resolution.