5. *But remember farther, that your love must be matrimonial, as well as spiritual. It must be matrimonial, with regard, 1. To the degree, and 2. To the effect of it. For the first, A man should love his wife, a woman her husband, above all the creatures in the world. Next to the living God, the wife is to have the highest place in the husband’s heart, and he in her’s. No neighbour, no friend, no parent, no child, should be so near and dear to either as the other. They are joined in the closest of all unions; therefore their mutual affection should be most abundant. They must do more and suffer more for each other, than for any other in all the world. They must bear with more faults in each other than any besides, and be ready to take more pains for each other.
6. Secondly, As to the effect of this love, it should knit them together, that they may receive full satisfaction in each other. Love should cause a man to account his wife the only woman in the world: and so the wife to account her husband the only man in the world. The persons of each should be to the other the most precious of all persons. Do any object, this cannot be, unless every man and every woman, could find in their own yoke-fellow as amiable qualities as are to be found in others: I answer, not the good qualities of either, but the good pleasure of God is the ground of their mutual dearness. Good qualities make this duty more easy: but it is still a duty, tho’ good qualities be away. A man may lawfully think another woman a better woman than his own wife. But he may not love another woman, tho’ more virtuous, above his own, tho’ less virtuous. This is the effect of matrimonial love, to settle the heart of each upon the other, above all in the world besides. It admits of none equal in affection, but places the yoke-fellow next to our own soul. Nor will it bear the desire of change, but so links their hearts together, that in this respect they are only dear to each other.
7. The means to get and confirm this love, is to have one house, one table, one bed. But besides this natural means of procuring love, there are two spiritual means. The one is, to take special notice, of God’s gracious providence in their match. They must often consider, that God joined them together, for their mutual benefit, as being on the whole fitter for each other, than any person besides could be. We know, that a mean gift is often respected, for the giver’s sake. And he that loveth God, cannot but love all his blessings for his sake. Wherefore remember, that God in great goodness (for crosses also come to God’s children from his goodness) hath bestowed this yoke-fellow, and thou shalt dearly love thy wife or husband, tho’ perhaps not so well-tempered. For the dearness of the giver will countervail the defects of the gift. And then thy yoke-fellow’s distempers will grieve thee indeed, but not alienate thy affection.
8. Another means of uniting your souls is, constantly to join in exercises of piety. Pray together: sing together: confer together, concerning your heavenly country. And this will be found an excellent means of confirming your mutual love. These will nourish the Spirit of holiness in you: and that inkindles love wherever it comes. By these you will soon perceive yourselves to have been spiritually profitable to each other: and to receive a spiritual benefit cannot but beget and nourish spiritual affection. Naturally you would grow weary of each other: but if you season your natural communion, with this communion in spiritual things, it will prevent all satiety. Jars and contentions are the great hindrances of love; but the joining together in these exercises, will cause you to jar far more seldom: nor will any sudden jar fester or rankle, so as to breed hard thoughts of one another, which are the bane of love. Prayer will prevent most contentions and compose all: for when you shall appear before God in prayer, instead of blaming each other, you will each blame yourself, and then all contention will cease.
9. But some may say, “What shall I do, who have such an husband or wife, as neither can nor will join with me, in the service of God?” I answer, pray for that yoke-fellow, who will not pray with thee. The less able or willing they are to intreat for themselves, the more frequently and earnestly intreat God for them. It may be, God will give thee thy desire, and turn their hearts to thee. At least, thy own soul will gain an increase of heavenly love to them. And this is sure, that to love your yoke-fellow spiritually and fervently, tho’ you are not loved again, is far better, than to be loved of them, without so loving.