Part 89

12. But mildness is never so needful as in reproving, both with regard to the matter and the manner of it. For the matter; find not fault with every foible; chide not for every infirmity. What is not of a gross nature, or done wilfully, may be passed over either with none, or half a word. The love which passes by weaknesses is necessary toward strangers; much more with those who are so nearly united. *Be not therefore extreme or rigorous, but be affected toward thy wife, as a tender mother toward her child. Pray to God against all her faults; see and commend all her virtues: but petty wants and little ordinary weaknesses, seldom take notice of, or reprove. Let her perceive, that thou dost, but wilt not know them. And thy unwillingness to see and reprove, will make her, if she has any spark of generosity, more willing to see and reform. But an ever-lowering and ever-chiding husband will make his wife worse than she would otherwise be. For the manner of reproving, even when it is most needful, it should be very gentle. The words and gestures used to press the fault, should be mild and amiable, breathing out love and pity at once. No patient is so desirous of health, that he will drink a potion scalding hot. So it is with reproof: if it, as it were, scald the ear with bitter upbraiding, with railing words, and a fiery look, it will never gain passage to the heart. Compassion, kindness, declaring your sorrow for her fault, desire of her good, and care for her amendment, these incline the will to accept of an admonition, and help the effect of it. I am not against the wholesome earnestness of reproving; but this may be without bitterness or fierceness. An admonition is then healthfully sharp and earnest, when a man with much plainness of speech and strength of reason lays open the greatness and danger of the sin, and vehemently enforces them on the sinner’s conscience: but compassionately still, with a declaration of more sorrow than anger, of more grief for her fault and danger, than displeasure against her person.