Tuesday 7. This day I found great enlargement in prayer, which made me perform that duty with much pleasure: but when my soul is dead, it is a most burthensome task.
Thursday 9. I went to chapel. Mr. _R――――s_ preached on _Psalms xxxiv. 14_. _Seek peace and ensue it._ The sermon was tedious, and I so cold, that I was quite tired under it, and found myself growing impatient. O how soon am I tired of what is good! The world are not so soon weary at the play-house, or in the ball-room, as I am in God’s house, and under his word. Truly the children of this world, are wiser in their generation, than the children of light.
Friday 10. I was oppressed all this day, with that tormenting passion, the fear of death, in so much that I had not comfort in any thing. I was overwhelmed in an instant with such horror and dread, as plainly told me I was unfit to die; unfit to appear before the awful judge of quick and dead. O my God, do thou give me the pardon of my sins, and remove this bondage, (the fear of death) from my conscience! Lord prepare me, make me meet to see thy face.
Saturday 11. At night Mr. _M――――s_ made an excellent discourse upon the barren fig-tree. I fear this character belongs to me. O may I at last bear fruit!
Tuesday 14. This, as well as the three following days, my soul seemed to be much in earnest, and pressing forward after the blessing; and altho’ I was much tempted on Friday to anger, yet I found power to resist it, and also great enlargement in praying for faith. O how gracious is God! Lord make me truly thankful for thy numberless mercies bestowed on me, the unworthiest worm thy hands have made! My uncle preached on _Isaiah xix._ _If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land._ He said many people were willing enough to be saved, but few were willing to be saved in God’s way, which was to confess and forsake sin, and turn to God, by using all the means which he has appointed. But I think God has brought me so far, as to make me truly willing to be saved in his own way; and were it possible to be saved in sin, I had rather be saved from it. For heaven would be no heaven to me, while pride, anger, and self-will have possession of my breast; wherefore Lord, deliver me from the guilt and power of these things now, and finally deliver me from the in-being of them.
Saturday 18. I still found my desires after God very earnest, and was much enlarged in wrestling for the blessing, both in private prayer, and under the word. In the evening, while Mr. _M――――e_ was discoursing on these words, _Let him that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity_, _2 Timothy ii. 19_. I found much enlargement in private prayer. In the afternoon I was admitted to meet in band, which I found blest to me, and trust to find it so constantly, as I shall, if it is not my own fault.
Monday 20. I did not find my soul so much alive this day, as I did all last week. O what a changeable creature am I? Never, never, at one stay. Lord strengthen, settle, and stablish me.
Tuesday 21. Blessed be God, he sought me even when I was straying from him, and did not suffer me long to continue in a lukewarm state. This day he gave me back that wrestling spirit which I had lost the day before. I can say my soul is a thirst for God, even for the living God. I am willing, yea, Lord, I am desirous, to forsake all my sins, and to return unto thee. O my God, make me in earnest, and take me for thy child. Keep me, keep me, gracious Lord, and never let me go.
Wednesday 22. I still found earnest desires, and my soul to be all on a stretch for God. Lord continue this blessing, till thou impart to me that which my soul desireth, even thy blessed self. Then shall I be possessed of all that is desirable in earth or heaven.
*Friday 24. Upon a strict self-examination, I trust, I may say, I have made some progress in the heavenly journey, within this last three months; for these reasons, I find more power over sin, even my besetting sins have not dominion over me. And if thro’ unwatchfulness I yield to them, my heart is broken on account thereof, and I endeavour to be more watchful for the future. I find more delight in the ordinances of God, and a more stayed, composed mind in waiting upon him; and when wandering thoughts assault me, I find power to resist them. I have more power to plead the promises in prayer; my desires are more earnest, and I have a more watchful spirit during the day: if I deceive myself, the Lord knoweth it is not willingly. I sincerely desire to be tried, and to know the worst of my state. Lord, search well if there be any way of wickedness in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Thursday 30. I was rather cold and dead this day. O what is the cause of this instability? Lord shew it to me for Jesus’s sake, tho’ not for mine, and make me in earnest. I found my soul something quickened at night, while my uncle was preaching on these words. _Only believe._ _Mark v. 36._