Wednesday, April 2. The Rev. Mr. _Wesley_ gave us his company to tea, and afterwards preached on _Romans viii. 33, 34_. I found my mind very wandering. The next evening he preached again on _John v. 8, 9_. Jesus _saith unto him, rise take up thy bed and walk_. I found a blessing this evening though I sought it not as I ought. O what a good God is ours!
Friday 4. This day I was very light and trifling; but in the afternoon the Lord was again pleased to stir me up, by the means of our maid, who this day found the Lord in communicating with a sick woman. O my God, what a slow progress do I make? Others find Jesus, but alas! for me, I find him not. I was also much blest in the evening while Mr. _Wesley_ was preaching on these words, _John xvii. 3_. _This is eternal life_, &c.
Saturday 5. I set apart this day, in order to seek the Lord by prayer and meditation; and although I did not find him, so as to enable me to rejoice in him, as a pardoning God, yet I found him enlarging my heart in prayer, enabling me to plead his promises, and to cry to him for mercy, without which I clearly see I am undone for ever. “I give up every plea beside, Lord I am damned, but Christ has died.” Lord, thou hast said, I _came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance_. I am then one thou camest to save. O save me for thy mercy’s sake!
“No need of thee the righteous have, Thou cam’st the lost to seek and save.”
I found the word very sweet in the evening while Mr. _Wesley_ was inforcing the words, _Matthew ix. 5_. _Whether is it easier to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee? Or to say, Arise and walk?_
Sunday 6. This morning I found my desires very earnest for the blessing, while Mr. _Wesley_ was preaching on _Isaiah xxxv. 8_. _And a highway shall be there, and a way_, &c. And also afterwards while he was adminstring the sacrament. In the evening I was again encouraged to come to the Lord, while Mr. _Wesley_ was inviting us to _come and drink of the water of life freely_, but still I had not power to accept the invitation. We afterwards had a comfortable love-feast.
Sunday 13. I arose pretty early and went to the preaching. I afterwards found great sweetness, in meditating on the love of God to sinners, and his willingness to receive them upon their sincere repentance, as also in private prayer.
Wednesday 16. All this day I was very melancholy, which was chiefly occasioned by recollecting the sorrowful scene I saw that day two-years; when I had the last sight of those whom I love as my own soul. O how many unforeseen events have happened in that time! Some of them have been very trying to me, and made me repent leaving my native land: yet now I see they were all working together for my good, and I trust I have no cause to repent, seeing my soul has much prospered since I have been at this place, whereas I did not gain, but rather lost ground, while I was in _London_ and _Kendal_. How wisely does God order all things for the benefit of his poor undeserving creatures: and how ungrateful are we, not to render him the tribute of an heart and life devoted to his service!
Friday 18. Mr. _M――――_ kept a watch-night and preached on these alarming words. _At midnight there was a cry made: Behold the bridegroom cometh, go ye out to meet him._ _Matthew xxv. 6_. I found my soul much blest under one of his prayers. O may I have oil in my lamp when the bridegroom comes that I may not be shut out with the _foolish virgins_, but enter with the wise into the joy of my Lord.
Sunday 20. This morning Mr. _R――――_ preached on those comfortable words of our Lord’s _Him that cometh unto me I will in no wise cast out_. _John vi. 37_. I found myself much encouraged to come to the Lord, especially when he was inviting the young to come, and close in with Jesus.
Tuesday 22. This day I found great backwardness to private duty, but was enabled to break through and found the Lord as good as his word, _They that wait upon_ him _shall renew their strength_.
Wednesday 23. I found much sweetness and enlargement in private duty this day, and was in a measure blest, while meeting my class in the evening. O how good is it to draw nigh to God, and yet how backward am I so to do!
Friday 25. I found myself much grieved upon account of having given way to levity. O how prone am I to this evil! Lord, help me against it, or I fear it will sink me lower than the grave. I spent my evening comfortably, and I trust profitably in reading the _book of martyrs_. O what did they go through for the sake of their Lord! While I cannot take up the least cross without murmuring.
Saturday 26. This day I found great enlargement in praying for my friends and relations, as also for the whole world, and for my own poor soul. Lord, help me ever to continue herein.
“Help me to believe, obey; Help me to repent and love; Help me to take the blessing given, Help me quite from hell to heaven.”