Friday 31. I was much tempted to fretfulness this morning, but thro’ mercy was restrained from letting it break out into words or actions, thanks be to God for this; as also that I found a degree of liberty in prayer.
Monday, February 3. When I awoke this morning, I found an earnest desire to spend the day to the glory of God. I soon found myself stripped of all my strength, and a trifling spirit prevailed over me. Lord, I bring this besetting sin to thee. Thou knowest ’tis my grief, my burden. Lord give me power over it.
Saturday 8. All this week I have been hindered going to chapel by reason of a bad cold. And as to the state of my soul, I know not what to say. Sometimes I have been groaning under my unbelief; sometimes cold and dead, yet I find a hope left, that I, even I, shall yet rejoice in the God of my salvation: that I shall find his favour, and taste an earnest of eternal bliss; _Amen_, Lord Jesus. But Lord make me in earnest, make me alive to thee. I cannot bear this instability, this halting between two opinions. Lord, I am convinced thou art God, O then let me serve thee.
Sunday 9. This morning being hindered attending the public means, I spent some time in private, and I found the Lord was willing to hear and answer prayer, for he enlarged my heart in that duty, and enabled me to pray with life and fervency; blessed be his name.
Sunday 16. This day I found much sweetness and enlargement in private duty, and my mind was in some measure staid on God. O for an heart to praise and love him for this, and all his mercies! The rest of the week I found my soul blest at different times, with a desire to wait upon God in private: it was profitable to me: which indeed I need never doubt, seeing he has promised that they that wait upon him shall renew their strength.
Friday 28. When I awoke this morning, I felt a thankfulness to God for safely bringing me to see the end of my fifteenth year, and for an earnest desire to spend the remainder of a short life to his glory. How time flies? It was but the other day since I was but a little infant, utterly unable to help myself: in this tender state the Lord provided me good parents and kind friends, whose constant care it has been, to train me up for heaven, and to dedicate me to him betimes. Now I am come to years of reason, should it not be my one endeavour, my constant aim to glorify God in my body and in my spirit, which are his by creation and redemption, as also by the early dedication which my dear parents made of me to him? Should I not from my heart ratify and confirm by my own act and deed, that which they promised on my behalf? Lord I am willing, I am truly willing so to do. _Jesus_ Lord lend me thine aid, and I will devote myself to thee, body, soul, and spirit, a living sacrifice. Lend me thine aid, and I will take thee for my prophet, to teach me; my priest to atone for my sins, and my king to reign over me. Come dear Lord, and take me for thine own? Thine in time, and thine to eternity.
Monday, March 3. This week I have been confined by a severe cold, however I have not been remiss in private duties, though I have found little life in them. A sort of stupidity has overspread my mind, which has made me unfit for any duty. This I can account for no other way than by my disorder, which always throws me into this dull frame. O how this vile body weighs down the soul! How happy are those who are delivered from it!
Sunday 16. This week as well as the former I have found my heart as cold, dead, and hard as it was possible; nor even has it been broke or softened while waiting upon the Lord either in private prayer, or under the word. On Friday evening at the watch-night, I found my mind very wandering, but towards the latter end it was more composed, and I really believe the Lord waited to be gracious to me, but my unbelieving heart put the blessing away, by thinking I was not worthy! O my God, when shall I be worthy?
Sunday 23. I found my heart greatly melted in the afternoon while I was meeting my band, and at some liberty afterwards in private prayer, but my old companion coldness returned in the evening.
Thursday 27. As we were going to chapel this evening, a parcel of genteel well-dressed boys set upon us, throwing dirt in such a manner as almost blinded us, and hallowing and hooting after us. O what enmity is in the heart of man against every thing that is good even when children? O how gracious has God been to me, that I have never been taught to despise and treat any person ill, either on account of any natural infirmities, or of the religion they profess; but from my earliest infancy have I been trained up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord: how will this enhance my condemnation, if I make not a right use of these privileges!
Friday 28. Being Good-Friday, I spent more time than usual in reading and prayer, in which duty I found my soul very much blest and enlarged.