Sunday 27. Mr. _M――――s_ preached on _Matthew xi. 20, 30_. _Take my yoke upon you_, &c. O what would I not give to be enabled so to do! But alas as yet I am like a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke. O Lord, help me this day to take thy sweet yoke upon me, and learn of thee, for I am truly convinced that till then, I shall never find rest to my poor soul. I have no objections to make, take me as I am, and let me be thine for ever.
“Take my body, spirit, soul, Only thou possess the whole.”
Thursday 29. I went to five o’clock preaching. As I went my heart was raised to God, that he would please to bless his word to my soul; and indeed Mr. _M――――_ gave a very profitable discourse on _Ephesians vi. 10_. Lord, help me so to put on the whole armour of God, that I may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand.
Wednesday 30. I found my heart much broken on account of sin this evening in meeting my class. Lord, give me a broken and contrite heart, for such thou wilt not despise.
Thursday, May 1. Going a little earlier than usual to preaching, I took out my little bible, and found a peculiar sweetness in reading the lv. chapter of _Isaiah_.
Friday 2. I found great sweetness in reading and prayer. O for a watchful spirit to keep it.
Saturday 3. I had a great seriousness and solemnity upon my mind this morning, which continued all day, (blessed be God.)
Sunday 4. I was much cast down by hearing that my poor papa was in a bad state of health; but was comforted by this consideration, that if I made God my father and my friend, nothing but my own unfaithfulness could ever separate me from him.
Monday 5. I rose this morning with a desire to spend the day to his glory, and blessed be his name, he did enable me to keep a recollected spirit, and also to seek him in his appointed ways, in doing which I found great sweetness.
Wednesday 7. I was disappointed going to preaching, which was a cross to me at first; but I was so blest while meeting my class, that the loss was abundantly made up; my heart was softened and melted for my past offences, and at the same time a comfortable hope sprung up, that the Lord would have mercy even upon me.
Friday 9, and Saturday 10. I can’t say, that I found my soul so much blest those two days, as it had been the two preceding. What is the cause I know not, but whatever it is, I trust the Lord will discover it to me, and remove it. On Saturday evening I was greatly shocked at the melancholy account of the death of two of my uncles; and Satan strongly suggested that my dear Papa would soon follow. This hindered me from sleeping great part of the night. Every such alarming providence should loudly sound in our ears, _Be ye also ready, for at such an hour as ye think not, the Son of man cometh_.
Sunday 11. I broke the matter to my cousin by degrees, thinking it would shock her to tell it to her at once. But O how her cries and lamentations pierced my heart! I endeavoured to comfort her, but all in vain; all her cry was, if she did but know his soul was happy, then she should be easy. At last she seemed to take some comfort in the consideration that he had religious friends about him in his illness. Surely it is a grievous thing to lose a tender parent. O may I not by my sins, provoke God to lay the same affliction upon me. Alas! it would be a heavy stroke. I know not how I should bear it; I fear I should murmur against the hand that inflicted it, unless preserved therefrom by the restraining grace of God. My mind was now far from the comfortable frame it was in the last week; it was so confused, that I could not for one quarter of an hour keep it stayed on God. But notwithstanding this, I took up my cross, and used private prayer constantly. Indeed I was often tempted to think, I had better let it alone, for I was only mocking God by drawing near to him with my lips, while my heart was far from him. If this was the case it was not with my desire or approbation. The Lord knoweth, I would have prayed better if I could. I would fain have my lips, and heart, and life go together in his service; and therefore since he has put this desire into my heart, he will graciously pardon what has been amiss, and enable me to do better for the future.
Thursday 22. This morning I went to my aunt _B――――s_, where I spent the day very agreeably. In the evening I was much blest, while my uncle was preaching on _John i. 11, 12_. _He came unto his own, but his own received him not: but as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God._ O would he now himself impart, that I may become the child of God.